It is that time of Winter when I feel stiff and existing feels heavy. But as always is the case, it is the edge of a deep bowl of learning. In my hibernaculum, the imprint of the mind’s ailments are more pronounced on the body than they are in the Summer sunlight. In my cluttered cave Winter fog rests in the head and a cage freezes on my heart. I see the world through a frosted veil, but I see myself with the clarity that comes with a crisp winter wind.
My wounds are self-inflicted. I am a dreamer and an idealist. My fear that life cannot live up to my ideals nips at the heels of the love in my heart. Society has the tendency to pity the naïve child who dreams and shame the adult who fails to let go of the light. We value time as our greatest resource. Yet perhaps the passing of time does not matter at all and it is how we spend that time that really matters. The purity of being present and devoted to each moment is what really makes life meaningful.
It is a maddening and perhaps impossible wish to live truly in the present while maintaining one’s role in the social order. The order is about schedules, planning, and being on time. A stopwatch is constantly clocking your every move - and we are constantly reminded of what we didn’t do or what we have yet to do.
However, as is my approach to all challenges, I have a lofty goal for myself. I aim to master both time and space. As an aspiring Architect with storybook fantasies, this seems appropriate.
There are many moving parts to our chosen, or fated, position in the social order. It can be overwhelming if we focus too finely on too many parts at one time. Perhaps I can find patterns and organize smaller components into different series - like books on a bookshelf. That way moments can be predicted or preceded based on the present moment.
It is like in design and construction: when you walk into a home and meet the client you can see the present. With a little demolition you can see the past. Through understanding the relationship between the client and the home, you can guide both seamlessly into the future.
To simply create is meaningless. To convey a message for a moment is powerful. To create something beautiful, that transcends time is the ultimate goal. “Timeless architecture” is a term I hear. One is tempted to provide movable walls or no walls at all for a space that fulfills the needs of all present and future occupants. I think we stress too much about these details of the future and it is forgotten that people are highly adaptable. The mind also has a survival mechanism geared toward happiness, I believe. It will go through great lengths to tear down any barriers, whether imposed by others or self-inflicted, to find a way to be happy. Because, I believe, in still moments we find that we are inherently happy.
While I strive to create a seamlessly beautiful and timeless piece of architecture, it is my goal to encourage these moments of stillness. And if I can create the most perfect moment where someone sits and smiles in peace, I am happy.
All alone it is apparent how meaningless life is - floating, drifting in the emptiness with no tangible connection to the past and an understanding that we will fade into the future. The inefficiencies of communication and relaying one’s thoughts and dreams and in putting them into action, highlight the impossible distance between each of us. The distance between zero and one - we will never truly meet. However, in returning from moments of solitude, striving to see the world past my frosted veil, I am comforted by the idea that we are alone. We are alone in this crazy thing called existence together. This connection is meaning.
Gratitudes
Sometimes it is hard to share this part yet that is the challenge I put on myself. I am truly grateful for my puppy who teaches me to be more in the present. And flowers, Kona coffee, and Hemmingway for getting me out of my funk.
Flag I found you! Kona Coffee is the 🔥
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